Sunday, August 27, 2017

Seeker & I -- {A Poem}

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All the might of the ocean, all its stormy churning gales
Could not disperse this emotion, silent agony that hails --
It calls out to the torn soul and the miser hiding thoughts, 
It calls them softly, calmly - then it wrenches out the knots.

It wrenches out the knots of what they thought they held so tightly,
It snatches them quick quick away and rattles through them nicely
Till it shells out all the memories of perfect moments peaceful,
And maliciously it taps them too, till they are shadowed dismal.

I watched the ocean tinker at the livelihoods of men,
And I thought myself a thinker far superior than them;
So I bricked up walls against her, yes I bricked them to the moon
And I shivered, happy miser, in my earthen white-washed room. 

And all was safe around me, all was quiet and hush hushed
And the oceans waves receded to a whispered lily blush
It was cold and dismal dreary in that darkened anguished plot
But I burned a fire more near me, till the warmth fled from me naught.

Thus I spent my seasons in a web of silenced stone
I was happy in my prison, I was glad to be alone
But we all know things of certainty are often brought to end
And so certainly my hiding hole was vanquished once again.

Yet this time the ocean's presence was a far-off thrumming vein
As the light poured in a hatchet crease, that showed my prison slain.
I was offended by this move, but soon abstained my voice
For through yonder hatchet crevice rang a rosy red rejoice.

The air around me glimmered as though stun-struck by the moon
Which against me now it shivered in my silver-wrought cocoon. 
I made habit of the darkness, but the light had pushed it back
So I fled into my prison, strong assured to flee that hack.

But a yellowed lantern glinted off the edges of my rooms
And it twitched and fast collided with my ghastly amber tombs
Then I saw the face of Seeker, which was softly kind and veiled
And he called out to me, "Weeper, why have you remained here jailed?" 

My retort was cracked and swallowed up by all the bricks behind me
But I filled my lungs again with air and hollered out all lordly,
"This is not my prison, sir, though I see why you might wonder,
I am happy here to stay, for I am fearful to fall under,

"See the ocean seeks me - hateful, it is hateful of my place
And it wants to break upon me and destroy me from this space.
But I will not move, I cannot, see I'm anchored here below
And my chain is now my bosom friend, for it sustains me so."

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Then the Seeker held his lantern and revealed that dreadful link
Which was linked to others like it, till submerged at darkness' brink
It dropped off and curled away from me to some forsaken pit
Where no one could go to find it for no one could follow it.

But the Seeker looked undaunted, though I could not see his face
And he moved towards me strongly, and I held my muscles braced
For I thought him to be angry at my inconvenient state
Yet he did not step to haunt me, nor procure a fist or mace.

"Lo, my lady - see... I may come without a key,
But I seek to help unbind you so that you might be set free.
I can offer no such comfort as the loosing of your chains, 
But I can provide you friendship, if you'll let me but remain."

Then without a further word, Seeker drew me to his side
And we trekked through miles of rubble, all the bricks I'd built to hide, 
Till he brought me to the threshold of my woven prison door
Then he stepped out first before me, only held-breath left implore.

With this strange and sudden hoping, I rushed out into the night
It was then I had set foot upon the sandy shore, bone-white.
And I looked up to the heavens and my gasp of awe was rent
From my ribcage as I plundered all the starry firmament.

And my Seeker looked back softly as he called me ever on
For the air was cold about us, with the heat of day long gone.
So we paused but just a moment for my mind to orient
Then I fell in step behind him as we made our forward bent.

I was breathing heavy mists through teeth, it stung and yet was good
For then I knew the air back home was drowning dark false-hood
And my feet they gripped the ground beneath in slippy stilted zest
But I pressed on up with faithful hope, surely Seeker knew the best.

I must have traveled eons, time arrested in that state
For I was no longer blocked in, but I still was subjugate
And the chain that trailed behind me, I ignored it ever still
Pressing on and pushing further, after Seeker and his will.

We were dearest - he, beloved - I, ethereal - us, enchanted starry-eyed
In my shadowed act of freedom, my dried eyes open wide
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It was beauty laced in gemstones, all cerulean effluence
From our hearts of candied jasmine, twining silk and jaded dense.

In the desert we grew friendship, till the forest formed its wings
Of a ceder honeyed timber made for sure and stronger things.
And on wings of wild flowers in the meadows secret kept, 
Seeker stole my heart and held it between gentle fingers trapped.

And I did not mind this difference, I was comforted in fact
For with Seeker things were safer, and my tired heart safe-packed.
So we journeyed ever onward, through the mountains and the vales, 
And my love for Seeker bloomed and grew and billowed out as sails.

He was ever veiled before me, but I did not mind this now
For a knight in shining armor has his secrets under vow,
And I loved him for it dearly till my heart had nearly burst
Long ago my chain forgotten, for my heart had quenched its thirst.

Seeker carried me through ages, ages present, ages past
Ages sealed away in tunnels, ages gently set to glass.
All these ages I have cherished and I know I always will
Because Seeker is not with me, he has other banes to kill.

I was bitter, I am bitter - Seeker was my own to dream of -
But we cannot choose our keeper and we cannot keep our love
And the things we love most dearly, we will set them on their own
If they choose another path and they seek another's home.

It was at the Sea of Memory that my Seeker left my side,
And he told me softly gently, from behind his veiled eye,
"We must part, my dearest pris'ner, we must go our separate ways
For I am not fit to wander down the path you now must blaze." 

And as waves swept in the inlet, my soul quaked beneath my skin, 
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For I feared the ocean found me and that Seeker let her in.
But I set my jaw and bore it, as I sank into the sand
And watched Seeker kiss me softly as he dropped my glowing hand.

And I watched him wander offwards, and I watched him disappear
And I thought myself besotted with my agony and fear.
So I stood there, blankly watching as the sun set on the waves
Till the moon was glowly gently and around me grew the graves.

And I saw them threading upwards, keening loudly for my touch
All those ghastly amber shadows, drenched in misery and such,
And I tore my clothes with anger and I yanked upon my chain
Then I stormed away in hatred at how Seeker bore me pain.

But I did not grasp for brickwork and I did not sit to build, 
For I ran into the forest, where our love had left me skilled
There I built myself a tepee and I layered it with furs
Thus I kept myself well cared for as I mourned for our lost years.

There today I am remaining, not in temple nor in tomb, 
But in airy sacred hovel, soft of earthen forest womb
Sounds of birdsong and of crickets, of the nightly owlish hoot
Bring me fondest thoughts of Seeker and our fated seaside route.

Lo - the moral of this poem is a key I've yet to find
But I urge you reader dearest, to be humble and be kind;
For the people we are friends with and the people that we love
They can make or break our future, but they change us all above.


Signed with muted sonnets, 
Squeaks.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Part 1 - Why Am I A Christian? {Purpose, Fulfillment, & Peace}

I was sitting in my room, doing nothing terribly important (more or less - a typical Saturday) and I had a thought suddenly pounce. Many of the people I know, if they aren't part of my hometown friend-group, may or may not be aware that I am a Christian. I would hope that I've lived out my faith and spoken of it here and there, so that at least at a passing glance people know what I believe. But sometimes, especially in my work place, the opportunity doesn't come up or isn't welcomed.

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So I've decided to write up a series on why I am a Christian, and what that means to me. If you don't believe in Jesus, perhaps this will help you better understand those who do and why I, personally, think it's such an important and critical part of my life.

There were a lot of possible first-points for my opening on this topic, and I know I have a lot to say across many different aspects of my faith, but I figured I should start off with one thing instead of blurting out every awesome factor that comes to mind :P With this in mind, my first point is going to be fulfillment. Or, as some might put it, how being a Christian has giving me a purpose and how it makes sense to me like nothing else I've found in life.

I have been all over the place with my life. While I grew up in a Christian home (my parents started bringing the family to church and talking openly to me about Jesus and the Bible when I was about 7 years old), and while I believed in Jesus at a relatively young age (~8 yrs), I ended up doing things my own way and exploring other options out of curiosity and out of an intense desire to be accepted by the people around me.
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So, I dabbled in the occult, I read up on Catholicism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Humanism, and New Age religions. I tried to find purpose in science, in learning, in logic, in self-love, in friendship, and in romantic love. However, I will digress that I was always aware of my Christian foundation despite this, and it chewed away at my conscience and made me a rather miserable bean when I tried to figure it all out on my own.

What I came to recognize, down every avenue I explored, was that none of the above ever gave me a lasting peace and a solid sense of fulfillment. For a time, yes, I felt as thought I had found some interesting grounding tools that would stop life's chaotic sway and let me control the uncontrollable. But that didn't last long and I was always thrown back with an overwhelming sense of confusion and unhappiness.

It was only when I would turn my attention back to Jesus that I found stability, fulfillment, and peace in my life. And let me tell you, being a Christian is the best decision I have ever made. There is something truly indescribable about having a growing friendship with God... it escapes human definition, but it is by far the most real and lasting thing I have experienced.

For about 3 years in my late teens, early 20s, I went through a really rough period of great loss and sorrow. My family life was very stressful, my church family went through some difficult transitions and almost split, almost all of my close friends turned their backs on me, one of my friends was hospitalized from a suicide attempt, 8 people I knew passed away within a year, and many loved animals suddenly passed away. It seemed as if no matter which way I turned, I was hit with tragedy after tragedy and hurt after hurt. I became very depressed and suicidal; I hated my life and who I was and felt completely worthless and without purpose. Night after night I would go to bed in tears, begging God to just let me die so everything would finally stop.

Yet while my heart was broken to pieces, God never once failed to reach out to me time and again. I look back on those years and find myself marveling at how great His patience must have been when I was so stubborn and angry.

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In the midst of those trials, if ever I took the time to read His Word, it never failed that I would have the faintest flickering of hope light up inside me. However, because those instances were not as common as they should have been, I tended to forget about the peace I felt when I focused on Him; and so, the whole cycle would begin again.

However, as you've noticed, I am writing to you now, many years later. Clearly I've survived that period of life and I'm doing much better. In part, this is because of caring people around me who have supported me and comforted me. Mostly, though, it is because of God. I don't say this lightly either - what with being a scientist and critical thinker (everything I conclude has been carefully observed and noted). I have truly found something that gives me life like nothing else can. It surpasses every human and logical explanation, but I can't deny how real it is.

Being a Christian has given me purpose, a sense of complete fulfillment, and a peace in my heart that surpasses anything else I've ever known. I am not part of a religion with laws and rules dictating how I'm supposed to act to win the approval of a judgmental god; rather, I am part of a relationship with a God who saw my darkest point as He hung on a cross and spoke through time to me, saying, "Hey, it's okay - let me take that burden from you because I love you more than you can ever imagine. You don't have to do anything to earn this, just believe in Me."

This doesn't mean I'm perfect. I know better than anyone else that I'm far from it; I mess up a lot, but I haven't given up. What it does mean though, is that I've found true life and a forgiveness that covers every imperfection I have. I have found a love that is deeper and more complete than anything else on earth. I know what it is to truly live and to be known by God. I can never go back to the point of my life where I once questioned or doubted His existence, my life is forever changed by what Jesus has done for me.

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I want to encourage you, if you don't believe in Jesus, try looking into it. Life is so tough sometimes, and a lot of Christians have misrepresented who God truly is. We do Him injustice with our selfish behaviour and mistakes, but I promise you that if you let Him, He will change your life and make it infinitely better <3

If you have questions or comments, please feel free to write to me in the comment box below :)


Signed with sea salt,

Squeaks.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Stop Sitting on the Fence




Are you walking in faith and trusting in who God says you are? Do you doubt? Do you run off your feelings? Either way, you should listen to this. Let's be convicted about what we've been born into, Christians - let's be convicted and start living like we are actually called to a royal priesthood...like we are children of the Most High God who has called us.

Therefore, prepare your minds for action, keep sober in spirit, fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the former lusts which were yours in your ignorance, but like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also in all your behavior; because it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.”If you address as Father the One who impartially judges according to each one’s work, conduct yourselves in fear during the time of your stay on earth; knowing that you were not redeemed with perishable things like silver or gold from your futile way of life inherited from your forefathers, but with precious blood, as of a lamb unblemished and spotless, the blood of Christ. For He was foreknown before the foundation of the world, but has appeared in these last times for the sake of you who through Him are believers in God, who raised Him from the dead and gave Him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God. {1 Peter 1:13-21, NASB}

Let's stop sitting on the fence.

Squeaks.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Days Full of Sunshine

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A lot of my mornings start with grey clouds and grumpy frowns. I'm not a morning person if I have to get up and go at the drop of a hat. I much prefer to take them slow, like drinking dark coffee in a cafe kind of slow. I wish I could spend every day lounging for an hour in the early sunshine, letting my skin mediate between me and the world before I run off. I don't always have that luxury and I grouch about it. 

Today was a little different. Saturdays usually are though. I spent my morning hours sipping coffee, eating pecan pralines, and reading If You Feel Too Much by Jamie Tworkowski. In the sunshine. It was perfect. I was happy and yawning, surrounded by beautiful prose and the heart of a person like me. I felt my eyes well up a few times at the simple beauty of it all.

What if we all stopped a moment to love a little deeper. What if we were honest with each other about our pain and purpose; our questions and our answers. I have so many questions that have never been answered, and I have so many answers that don't fit my questions. I have a heart heavy with pain and awkward joy; somber dark honey - a cloud of hope behind the darkness. Sometimes I prefer the silence and seclusion of my mind to the noisy cacophony of people, but I still crave to be known and loved. I want to spill my mind and heart and be vulnerable and open, but I cringe at the risk of it all. Most of the time I hide behind my smiles, waiting and wondering at the future and the present. Wishing for a moment of laughter that will overcome every fear and paralyzing doubt.

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Being alone with myself and being okay with it is a lovely thing. People exhaust me (I exhaust me). But people feel what I feel and want to be loved the way I do - we are connected by our similar struggles and battles. So, part of me wants to reach out and love them through the exhaustion, because they deserve to be loved. They deserve to be reached and understood. I don't want others to feel what I've felt before, to be alone and hurting and shunned by the world because they don't quite understand. 

If you're reading this today and you feel lost and struck by the weight of what you carry, please reach out and talk to someone. We aren't made to go through life alone. We're made for community and compassion; we're built to help carry each other's burdens. I know it doesn't seem that way, that the road seems incredibly dark and silent, but the people around you (even if they aren't in your circumstance and even if they've never experienced what you have) they can relate and support you. 

And if you are someone who doesn't feel that weight, reach out and love someone who does. Touch everyone around you with your joy and hope, set out your care like a salesman and sell it for free. Be persistent - go door to door through the hearts you cross and love them. If only more people loved boldly, perhaps the world would be a softer place. 

Signed with navy blue sparkles, 
Squeaks. 

Sunday, June 4, 2017

My Own Face {Reflections of Hate & Love}

Laura William's Photography



I looked in the mirror and saw my own face
And I thought to myself, "What a solemn disgrace,"
What a solemn disgrace - all these social constructs
That demand me to hate me with violent misconduct.
What a pity! because when I look at my shell
I see beauty and wisdom; in my eyes, the seas dwell.
It's the me that's been with me from birth until now
And the me that will be, until death's fulfilled vow.
I see mystery and magic in memories fair,
I see heartache and sadness deep inside my own stare.
Yet despite all that's happened and all that will come, 
I am happy to live here
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--- every piece the perfect (sum).

I've been with me for forever and I will be to the end,
It's a marriage of my soul-flesh...some may try to transcend
- they will pour out all their money to confect a pretty mask
So they won't see all their true self - and they'll call it just a task. 
But I don't see such a hardship in the loving of your skin
For it's held you tight together to explore the world, within. 
Think with me, just a moment - child, think with me if you dare -
Can you love your lowly body, can you cherish it with flare? 
Will you promise to protect it from the force inside your mind?
Can you give its only lifetime simple blessings of a kind? 
I think, indeed, if you care.. it will show upon your face
As attributes of kindly years, of happiness and grace.
And when our time has reached an end & we must leave this sphere
We'll look upon our mortal span with joy from tender years.


---
Signed with wildflowers, 
Squeaks.
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